in fifty years we’ll all be chicks-adam carolla

“So here’s the tip about the tip. Why not tip the laborers and minimum wagers? Like the Home Depot guy. He’s going to get a hernia or die trying to pull the tankless water heater from the top of the aisle rack. Next time you’re at the Taco Bell, if the kid taking your order is nice, tell him to keep the change. You just got nine tacos and a large Pepsi for $3.89. Give him a five and walk away. He’ll feel great because it’s unexpected, and you’ll feel good too.” (220)

i wish it was all this sweet. but i guess that’s the hook, right? the man show is like the hooker with the heart of gold-under that crispy candy coating is a soft peanut butter centre. i was listening to him guest on mark maron’s podcast, and he stated some of the sentiments that he has here. some of the arguments are bang on, others are brushed over way too easily, but it’s the michael moore complex-let’s be as obnoxious as we can, and maybe someone will listen and think about it independently. one of my least favorite american ways. oh-and he claims that he’s never read a book, but i can usually tell. perhaps it’s a comedian thing, like tracy morgan, or like maestro, his wife was more than just they typist here.

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2 thoughts on “in fifty years we’ll all be chicks-adam carolla

  1. legacy’s labour’s lost..and found:

    “But that’s the future. Kids today are soft, fat, and self-entitled. People ask why. Is it junk food? No. Junk food has been around for fifty years. As a matter of fact, back then it was worse. There were no salads or green apple slices at McDonald’s. If I went into a McDonald’s when I was nine and someone handed me an apple, I would have kicked him in the nuts. Is it video games? Nope. Video games have been around for thirty years. None of the kids playing them back in the day were morbidly obese. We’re all scratching our heads trying to figure out what we’ve introduced to society to ruin our kids. But it’s not anything we’ve /added/ that’s ruined our kids, it’s stuff we’ve gotten rid of.” (13)

    “My kid’s preschool has a no-nuts policy. I’m happy to report that last year when they asked me to emcee their charity bake sale, I explained to them that I also have a no-nuts policy. I don’t emcee bake sales for paranoid nut jobs.” (14)

    “Yes, I want the parents to cook their kids a fucking meal. I don’t want them to have a free corn dog at school. I want the parents to boil some beans and make their kids a goddamn lunch. It’s the superliberal a-holes who grew up with silver sporks in their mouths who think, Oh, they’re incapable of doing it. Yes they can.” (122-3)

    “As if there’s any nutritional difference between pumpernickel and white. The difference was one piece looked like a slave owner and the other looked like LeVar Burton. I blame it on Richard Nixon. No one in my mom’s generation trusted the Man after him. Thanks, Dick. You ruined my childhood.” (152)

    see? anyone who shouts out the host of Reading Rainbow read a muthafuckin’ book. or saw Roots.

  2. menace to society:

    “What percentage of inmates on death row are atheist or agnostic? Of course I’d rather deal with people who had their own internal moral compass rather than a group that could stab me and be absolved of their sins.” (150)

    “Here’s what I would like to scream at all the people who put themselves into the gatekeeper position. First, remove that plate of shit someone put under your nose and act like you fucking want to be there. Second, I’m not asking for entry into your fourteen-year-old’s vagina, I’m trying to drive onto a motherfucking lot. Third, it’s not your goddamn lot. Your job is not to stop /all/ people from getting onto the lot, it’s to prevent /certain/ people from getting onto the lot. Points four through twenty-seven: Drop your motherfucking attitude.” (35)

    “I always assumed I’d be trying to stick it to the Man. But as it turns out, the problem is not so much with the Man but with the men he’s giving eight dollars an hour to.” (36)

    “Imagine if an alien came down to the U.S. and just watched TV for a year and then took a tour of our prison system. He would be like, ‘These white criminals are the shrewdest of them all. They commit one hundred percent of the crime and almost never get caught.’” (64)
    “I love it when a black guy says something racist against white people and they call it ‘reverse racism’. As if white people were the only group capable of being ‘real’ racists. White people didn’t invent racism, we just perfected it.” (182)

    “Whether it’s an expensive restaurant waiter or masseuse, the ‘this is how they make their money’ argument is a load of shit. They should be paid by the business. I wish when I was a contractor I could have done the job and then told the homeowner to tip the laborers. ‘Sorry, I don’t pay them. Eighteen percent would be fair.’” (219)

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