i killed-compiled by rich shydner and mark schiff

when did comedians stop opening for musicians? or does that still happen? and do people really want to kill them? wow-people take artists seriously, huh?

“It’s a pirate job. You want to be a pirate? You’re a pirate. There are no ‘trainee pirates’ with little paper hats on so everybody knows. Knock a tooth out and get on the boat. And I believe it was the brain-crushing simplicity of the comedian’s life that was one of the most attractive things about it for me as a young man. I remember at the age of twenty feeling very overwhelmed by the infinite gray areas of accomplishment and futility in the occupations I saw around me. But standup comedian-there was nothing gray about that. It’s a swimming-with-your-knife-in-your-teeth kind of job.” (xiii, Jerry Seinfeld’s foreword)

“His point is well taken, however. Standup’s a lot like preaching, and there are very few people, men or women, who enjoy being preached at by a woman. This is because, for most people, the first person who ever preached at them was a woman. Most likely that woman was the one who made them feel bad about crapping their pants, which, up until her bossy interference, had been rather a convenient system. And they still resent it, and her, and anyone who reminds them of her.
Thus, as you see, the entire human race is programmed to heckle women comics.” (41-2, The Pissed-Off Pirate and Me, Cathyrn Michon)

“So we went out to eat, then went to a couple clubs. There weren’t any girls afte me, because Chicago has a baseball team, a football team, and a basketball team. Any town with sports teams meant I wasn’t getting laid. Not by the good pussy, anyway.” (48, I’m the Motherfucking Man, Chris Rock)

“I know that the stench of a bad comedy set lasts longer than the fragrance of a killer show, but in that moment I learned that people would rather hug a wet leper than acknowledge the presence of a bad comic.” (57, Man Overboard, Ray Romano)

“When I started out, the clubs didn’t offer a place to stay, typical ill treatment for comics ‘paying their dues.’ I took Greyhound buses around the country even to audition at places. When I came to work the club, if there wasn’t a couch available, I’d check the Greyhound schedule for a town four hours away, book a round-trip ticket, and in this way I got eight hours’ sleep. I carried a small Swiss Army knife for protection. I could stab attackers and then open a bottle of wine to celebrate.” (70, Early Digs, Paula Poundstone)

“The dealer took me into his office/hallway, but before we were able to complete our transaction, the door was kicked open and four fucking plainclothes cops crashed in, shoving us against the wall and handcuffing us. I found out later that the cops always do a big sweep during the Sunday matinee shows. Apparently every guy dragged in from the suburbs by his wife has to score some dope to make it through a Broadway show.” (121, Bad Timing, Colin Quinn)

“If you don’t want everybody in the standup community to know your business, don’t do anything worth talking about. If you do, never ask Roseanne for help.” (133, A Lost Toy, The Amazing Jonathan)

“The hooker handed the wallet back to me, minus the fifty-dollar bill that had been living there. At that moment I realized why the hooker offered us two blow jobs for fifteen dollars: it was a loss leader, like when Best Buy offers the new /Star Wars/ DVD for only fifteen dollars. They want to lure you into the store to buy the cheap DVD, hoping you’ll buy a new plasma TV.” (199, Is That What I Think It Is?, Doug Stanhope)

“Like five years later, Dr. Dre was at The Comedy Store. He came up to me and said, ‘You’re incredible. You’re one of the funniest guys out there. I also want to apologize because we were gonna shoot you that night. If Shaq hadn’t stepped in, you were gonna get shot.’” (25, Shaq Can Stop Bullets, Carlos Mencia)

and once again, proof that shaq is magic (#32). and not circumcised. or perhaps his latest biography-shaq uncut-is not a double entendre. at any rate, i’m on hold for it at the library…

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One thought on “i killed-compiled by rich shydner and mark schiff

  1. bare necessities:

    *Joey Novick We were three New York comedians in the Deep South, and the directions given to us by the club were, ‘Go past the Italian restaurant.’ We drove back and forth for an hour till we realized the ‘Italian restaurant’ was a Pizza Hut.” (23)

    “So we went out to eat, then went to a couple clubs. There weren’t any girls afte me, because Chicago has a baseball team, a football team, and a basketball team. Any town with sports teams meant I wasn’t getting laid. Not by the good pussy, anyway.” (48, I’m the Motherfucking Man, Chris Rock)

    “I know that the stench of a bad comedy set lasts longer than the fragrance of a killer show, but in that moment I learned that people would rather hug a wet leper than acknowledge the presence of a bad comic.” (57, Man Overboard, Ray Romano)

    “When I started out, the clubs didn’t offer a place to stay, typical ill treatment for comics ‘paying their dues.’ I took Greyhound buses around the country even to audition at places. When I came to work the club, if there wasn’t a couch available, I’d check the Greyhound schedule for a town four hours away, book a round-trip ticket, and in this way I got eight hours’ sleep. I carried a small Swiss Army knife for protection. I could stab attackers and then open a bottle of wine to celebrate.” (70, Early Digs, Paula Poundstone)

    “The dealer took me into his office/hallway, but before we were able to complete our transaction, the door was kicked open and four fucking plainclothes cops crashed in, shoving us against the wall and handcuffing us. I found out later that the cops always do a big sweep during the Sunday matinee shows. Apparently every guy dragged in from the suburbs by his wife has to score some dope to make it through a Broadway show.” (121, Bad Timing, Colin Quinn)

    “The hooker handed the wallet back to me, minus the fifty-dollar bill that had been living there. At that moment I realized why the hooker offered us two blow jobs for fifteen dollars: it was a loss leader, like when Best Buy offers the new /Star Wars/ DVD for only fifteen dollars. They want to lure you into the store to buy the cheap DVD, hoping you’ll buy a new plasma TV.” (199, Is That What I Think It Is?, Doug Stanhope)

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