girl walks into a bar…rachel dratch

comedy calamities, dating disasters, and a midlife miracle

“it is very bad manners to invite people to dinner and not set a place for them”

this quote came from a documentary about canadian black schools, but it can apply to any number of things, like women in comedy. despite the fact that rachel dratch looks a lot like kevin mcdonald on the cover of this book, there are lots of hilarious and relevant moments in this book.

“These are pretty much the only parts I’m offered since I’ve been off SNL. Lesbians. Secretaries. Sometime secretaries who are lesbians. Usually much older than I am in real life. Usually about 100-200 pounds more than I am in real life.
I am offered solely the parts that I like to refer to as The Unfuckables.” (5)

“Amy Sedaris was this pretty little girl who would screw her face up into the ugliest expressions. I learned a lot from just watching her perform, because she was so fearless and bold in her choices….Amy Sedaris would play these little squirrel-like characters and goofy oddballs.” (34)

“I imagine we would both sign off on the statement that in dealing with feelings, she and I have different styles: I am classic Pisces, prone to sensitivity and emotions, and she is German.” (66) on Tina Fey

“I’d come to the middle of the desert expecting a spiritual experience, only to feel the kind of physical inadequacy usually reserved for seeing a Victoria’s Secret ad. Fantastic. Although I saw plenty of these hot chicks with impossibly high boobs and long legs, the men who seemed inclined to disrobe, much fewer in number, were all Haight-Ashbury throwbacks over the age of seventy with long beards and leathery skin. Where was the equity?” (72)

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One thought on “girl walks into a bar…rachel dratch

  1. what do improv, dating and dogs have in common?

    “It’s a sort of flow that happens when you are completely in the moment and not getting in your own way. Not /trying/ so hard, not planning ahead, just getting out of your own head and letting the magic happen. You could apply this to any activity, of course. You could apply it to life.” (28-9)

    “I never saw or heard from Steve again. In hindsight, getting blown off via text was probably a blessing in disguise. And maybe the fact that my back went out was actually a gift. Maybe it’s not that God didn’t want me to date, but rather that God was actually sifting out the bad stuff for me through a divine intervention at Trader Joe’s. I may have narrowly avoided spending the rest of my nights with a man who drinks whole bottles of wine at a table for two, sharing the braised human abs or the triceps risotto.” (84)

    “Oh…my…God. I was stunned. A baby? This dating thing really wasn’t working out at all. I guess this never was a date, was it? Was this one all in my head? Did these guys just want to hang out with someone who had been on /SNL/? Were they interested in me or Lorne Michaels?” (122)

    “I was lying on my side, and he came up and lay right next to me. I felt his hot breath as he put his face into mine, with his chin pointed down a bit so he could look right into my eyes. Then, still gazing into my eyes, he actually put his paw on my shoulder, assuming what I would call a lover’s pose. I chuckled to myself. Never before had I been embraced by a dog! I wanted to call my friends so they could check out this scenario, but their rooms were too far away, and besides, it might have ruined the moment. I rolled over on my other side, and Burleigh kept his paw on my shoulder. OK, this was too much. I was being spooned by a dog.” (127)

    “A poodle with its fur in several hair ties and topknots walked endlessly in a circle, obviously insane. We got out of there after about an hour. The energy in the low-rent dog show was even heavier than the energy of a semi-couple discussing an unexpected pregnancy.” (163)

    “I was never getting more than four hours of sleep straight for a stretch, if that, and this went on for two or three months, yet everyone said I was glowing. I /felt/ like I was glowing. The /SNL/ schedule was perfect training for motherhood; I was used to crazy nighttime hours. Being awake at three in the morning, in the dead of night when the streets are pretty quiet, didn’t feel at all weird to me. It actually felt quite normal.” (211-2)

    “I have had minimal sleep, and I’ve been immersed in Babyland for the whole day, and I’m not exactly looking for Glamour Don’ts. You may as well just throw one of those black strips across my eyes for the next three years. When John makes such comments, I tell him that I want to dropkick him into the center of a circle of suburban moms so they can rip into him like a pack of hyenas. Ladies, can I get a what-what?” (236)

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