chocolate, please-lisa lampanelli

“The difference between being a comic who has done The Tonight Show and one who hasn’t is the difference between playing basketball at the Y and playing ball in the NBA. You have undoubtedly staked out a career and you can afford to have several illegitimate children.” (46)

“Never try to milk the joke-even when you’re eight.” (98)

i read this in the first quarter of the year, when i was taking the stand-up class. the library didn’t have any of her standup and our teacher discussed her choice to be a “blue” comic, but what to make of someone whose chosen niche is dating (or just fucking) black men?

“But really, this guy was worse than crack. Crack disappears after you smoke it-it doesn’t go on your MySpace page and troll for hot chicks.” (146)

i guess we all need attention, and i respect that we all have to have a gimmick to get some attention that we can then parlay into some meaning-full work. like these gems:

“More often than not, they were self-righteous, liberal white people. You know, the same fucks who turned Hillary Clinton for having the audacity to campaign. That’s right-I noticed it wasn’t any of the races who were offended. It was these hypocrites! And the only reason they were angry was they didn’t know any minorities.” (51)

“Parents, if you want your kids to say no to drugs, just have them hang out with a stinky middle-aged woman who’s bartering organic herbs for a massage.” (99)

“Texting has gotten way out of hand. Everyone is texting constantly and no one is that important or interesting. I understand texting at an airport or in a doctor’s office, but if you’re that bored on a date, buy your own dinner and masturbate.” (277)

is it always necessarily a given that a book by a comic will be funny? of course not, but props to any comic who writes a book in her own voice, even if it’s very shrill, even in the mind of a reader.

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