it chooses you-miranda july

“Like the most intricate, radical piece of art, the kind of art I was always trying to make. It dared to mean nothing and so demanded everything of you.” (199)

“I would meet with every PennySaver seller who was willing. I would make myself do this as if it were my job. I would get a better tape recorder and drive all over Los Angeles like an untrained, unhelpful social worker. Why? Exactly. This was the question that my new job would answer.” (26)

“Not that my conviction protected me; it’s always embarrassing to pin a tail onto thin air, nowhere near the donkey. It might be wrong, it sure looks like it is-but then again, maybe the donkey’s in the wrong place, or there are two donkeys, and the tail just got there first.” (101)

is mercury still in retrograde? it’s been kind of tough lately-yesterday i was just overwhelmed and inundated with babies and life and death. let’s say that the circle of life was very pronounced. i’ve been joking that adapting to life with this old lady cat baby has been a bit like regretting not having an abortion, because i did plead for her and i can’t imagine living without her, but sometimes-she just tries my last nerve. dang little lions.

i’ve also been watching call the midwife (season 4) again, so that always drums up the feelings. because it’s set in the past-the issues of poverty, racism, homophobia are depressingly shown in a way that reminds me simultaneously how “far” we’ve come and how much things never seem to change. the tie between the midwives and the nuns though, feels more important in this season, and the bravery of the women who dared to enter either/both of these professions is nothing short of a miracle. bigups to my present-day midwives and healers-we’re always giving birth in some form, but y’all are doing it literally and literally.

i came across a birth/death announcement on that omnipotent social networking site yesterday, and it shook me to the core. i understand wanting to memorialize the brief existence of the little one, but the amount of detail and the lack of time that had elapsed since the event as well as the closing of “we’d like time and privacy to grieve” made me wonder why folks were so compelled to rush to share everything to the opposite of privacy. but grief motivates in its own way.

i connected with the substitute parent with whom i grasp at straws, and as i heard her brush off her feelings once again that her daughter isn’t around/is abusive when she is, all i can hear is my own father, in all his flaws, when she says “it’s tough when you only have one child”.

imagine finding out on that same network via a video posted widely (and shared millions of times over by this point) that your daughter was pregnant. i can’t. but neither can i judge-i myself have shared and probably will share many more things with the internet before i share them with my father-so i understand all sides of that dysfunctional family sandwich.

i must impress how great-full that i am to have my girl in town to catch up with. though there have been changes that we kind of all saw coming, there is so much love and reflection. sometimes, you gotta massage a kale salad out for your bonus friends and steam someone else’s dumplings and take the calming goji berry cat treats that you wanted to buy but couldn’t afford, and they won’t need because his girlfriend took his cat.

i also must express gratitude for giovanni for the acupuncture and herb mix that i’m drinking in hopes of clearing up this round of skin ruptures-and to cee for prompting me to recount the worst it’s ever been, because we’re nowhere near that. sometimes, i wish i had a picture, because it’s almost unbelievable. but we keep learning the lessons until we learn them. and everything is an ongoing negotiation-hashtag, work/life/love/babies.

“I had once feared that love would take me away from my solitary world of work; now I often regretted that it hadn’t.” (6)

“Having a screenplay and no money to make it would almost be worse than not having a screenplay and maintaining the dream of being wanted.” (79)

(sigh). i was reading this when i saw miranda july at the reference library (thanks again to my library committee member friend) having too insular of a discussion with her friend about her latest book (which i just remembered to put on hold), but i remember being moved by her meditation on her son.

i also saw fit to note to myself that i left the receipt of my “first trip to kfc in years” in the book jacket when i returned it. it must have been a tuesday.

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