i don’t care about your band (part three)-julie klausner

“You know that book The Secret? Ben was a walking (or napping) example of the anti-Secret. He’d call himself a fuck-up, and then he’d fuck everything up.” (155)

and it’s no coincidence that kid fury and chrissle are in my ear talking about fuckboys right now. the third instalment of this book is dedicated to all those that she calls out by name.

“With Alex, I’d created the perfect boyfriend whose only flaw I could think of was that he couldn’t touch me, and I would voraciously debate people who wondered if I chose him because intimacy freaked me out.
You can’t say something that direct and honest and totally true to people in a long-distance situation. They will get defensive, and tell you all they want is intimacy, only they’ve been painted into a corner of having to cope with the God-given circumstances of not being physically near the person they want more than anything. But those people are full of beans, and so was I. Distance was what I wanted and needed at the time: the perfect conversation was the perfect boyfriend, and that’s what Alex gave me, often.” (127)

“But Sweeney kept hitting Reply, and he was as flirty as a pleated skirt every time he wrote back. It’s a no-brainer that actors have to flirt with everyone to maintain a level of success.” (117)

“Anyway, that happened, and he was really turned on, and then, the next time, he told me he was going to come on me and lick it off, and then he did, and soon enough, he was just eating his own semen and I was there as a witness.
I felt like I did on the phone-unnecessary. I mean, what’s the point of having a girl in the room if all you want is to dine on your own jizz? Why not cut out the middleman?
Colin was probably just starving for animal protein, poor guy. No wonder he was obsessed. It’s like how all dieters do is think about cupcakes, or how all Catholics do all day is imagine how much fun it would be to get an abortion.” (83)

and that actually did happen to me too. so long ago that i almost forgot, but this jogged my memory. oh, how far we have come. the final shoutout is the following list in the acknowledgements, and i further marvel at the coincidences-all respects (and RIP due):

“Thanks to real-life rock stars Rachel Dratch, Patton Oswalt, David Rakoff, Jill Soloway and Sarah Thyre for wading through sloppy early drafts and inspiring me by example.” (254)


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