everything changes-part too

“Here’s an interesting thing: by some tacit agreement, neither of us ever mentions Hope. No matter what the topic, we will phrase things in such a way so as to keep any trace of her out of her conversation. As far as Tamara knows, Hope may not even be aware of my weekly visits to her. And she’s fine with that. It’s as if we exist in our own little world, and we’re reluctant to allow anyone else to claim on either one of us into the circle.” (47)

“You’re thinking about one woman while trying to reach another, and despite this apparent abundance of women, you feel lonely and desolate as
hell, and, almost unconsciously, you drive to the house of a third, and the third woman is your mother. It has to be unconscious, because conscious, you’d know right away that it’s a big mistake. Somewhere, there’s a therapist sitting alone in his office, staring wistfully at his door, wishing for a patient like you.” (61)

“She was on such a high about the London trip, I didn’t want to spoil her mood. She wouldn’t have been able to go off to London knowing that I’m sitting here on pins and needles waiting for the results. Still, I feel bad that I didn’t tell her. Or maybe I feel bad because I suspect she might have still gone anyway.” (123)

“…the way she used to hold me in my bed when I cried at night, empty and aching for something that I am now only beginning to get through my thick skull had never existed to begin with.” (307)

“Sometimes, you don’t need to talk things out. Sometimes, with the right person, things just need some time to percolate on their own, without the messy lunge and parry of discussion to hinder them.” (328)

i’ve never been one to advocate that anyone feel any more guilt-most folks feel too much, and for no reason (women of the world-i see you), but like the christina milian and the dream cover when he’s the one who’s topless, some folks could feel a bit more (or at least remember important details like who they concurrently stuck their dicks in), but i guess that’s the world for you-some folks do all they can not to be jerks, and other people see all this extra room to be a jerk, and take it the fuck up.

i decided that my show tour shirts will read “abandonment issues make you interesting”, and i no joke had to walk out on a date with someone who “doesn’t leave the house” until he gets confirmation and instructions to the agreed-upon meeting spot 1/2 an hour before an established meeting time (both decided 5 days prior), but i am great-full for all the lessons that have come to light as of late. not to knock your agoraphobia, homie, but what the fuck? did your folks abandon you in the train station?!

i’ve always been confused about how people choose partners for rock climbing-the advice is to choose someone who’s better than you to belay you. that’s all fine and good, until it’s time to switch-doesn’t that automatically screw your partner? handicap the one that’s better?

i used to worry that i wasn’t good enough to be “chosen” by other damaged folks, but now i realize that they stayed away because they weren’t good enough-and they were right.

shoutout to all those that i failed by failing myself first-i wish you all the best in your future endeavors. i want to believe in love. i just need to believe that it believes in me, and that’s just not how love works. you can’t control love.

but you can hope and believe that there will be someone(s) out there who can take turns supporting you and letting you support them. may we all belay each other into the sunset.


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