the truth (part won)-neil strauss

“more than overtime”

“In the process, enmeshed children lose their sense of self. As adults, they usually avoid letting anyone get too close and suck the life out of them again. Where the abandoned are often unable to contain their feelings, the enmeshed tend to be cut off from them, and be perfectionistic and controlling of themselves and others. Though they may pursue a relationship thinking they want connection, once they’re in the reality of one, they often put up walls, feel superior, and use other distancing techniques to avoid intimacy. This is known as avoidant attachment-or, as they put it here, love avoidance. And most sex addicts, according to this theory, are love avoidants.” (81)

“I’m so bad at commitment, I can’t even commit to being uncommitted.” (148)

“I’m not a top or bottom. I’m a middle.” (186)

“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” (255)

“There’s so much heat between us and we’ve only just met. I hope it isn’t because she was abandoned by her father.” (238)

“They say that when you meet someone and feel like it’s love at first sight, run the other direction. All that’s happened is that your dysfunction has meshed with their dysfunction. Your wounded inner child has recognized their wounded inner child, both hoping to be healed by the same fire that burned them.” (9)

damn neil strauss once again. not just for being right, but for making me look like i was carrying a bible around at the top of the year when i was reading this. but i suppose this is the best time to trot out my notes again. i’m not saying that i fully buy into his brand of being reformed, but i never fully bought into his brand of being the expert manipulator, either. i do think there’s a lot of truth here in his examination of his relationship with his mother, and how that has affected his relationships with women who have been abandoned and/or disappointed by their fathers. i’m just not sure that it’s an equation that lines up exactly, that’s all-it seems a bit too elektraoedipal-but i’m not a believer of binaries.

i did have to laugh out loud at the quote of being so bad at being committed that i can’t even commit to being uncommitted-that hits very close, but i think it’s kind of charming. i was told recently that i was scary because i’m “so free” and i feel like i’ve heard that a few times in my life, in a few different ways, and not always in a romantic context either.

my question is why that’s so scary-i think it’s an asset that means that nothing is automatic for me-i’m not coasting by-every moment is a choice. and wouldn’t you want to know that someone chooses you every moment? or is that just me?

and why is “you’re not listening to me” always a projection? since there was no space to say it last night, i’ll say it here-i’m great-full for this little run of crushing and courting, for the views of this city by car, and the latenight conversations in the driveway because nobody’s allowed into the fortress. i’m kind of relieved that i won’t need to learn anything about a sport that seems like you need to be unemployed to watch, and i’m keeping the gelato shop-not the one we were in when i was reminded of how much i love this song- the good one.

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