either “something happened…” or “her nipples wanted to drive all night to alabama” or “every angel is terrible”
talk about tough (and surprising) choices.
Every Angel is Terrible (The Mystery of Inequity)
It’s always the parent that leaves that gets all the adulation-never mind that s/he abandoned the family unit for some self-serving reason. In her absence, she’s no longer human and thus, perfect. She was always soul-searching, she left because she didn’t want to impress her failure, her miscalculation of the right time to settle down. She is the one that could do no wrong because she wasn’t around for any of the doing. She donated traces of her spirit through DNA, those personality traits that couldn’t be learned or trained away. The one you wish for, and wonder after, the one whose independence you aspire toward, putting up a strong front whilst secretly praying that she’ll come back to collect you once she’s figured things out. But as the decades pass, the reality that she may never figure it out becomes truth and before you know it, you’ve raised yourself, begrudgingly admitting that you’ve had help from the one who had the audacity to stay and smother, magnifying his mistakes to the degree of infinity because he was the only one making them-from a place where his trust was still broken-putting up a strong front, also hoping that she might come back some day, or at least not reject him so hard, and not through the eyes of their child so conditioned to abandonment that she abandons recklessly in self-preservation. Three opposing points on a zodiac-whose responsibility was it to regulate that? She used to put her hand on the elements of the stove to make sure it was off, off, off, off and although I never saw it- I know that she too, was burned. Because every angel is terrible-out there all shiny and avoiding the light of her own halo that comes shining from below.
i’m transcribing verbatim and only lightly editing (because i can’t help it) so i’d like to shout myself out for being able to create such complete and detailed thought portraits on demand. i’m also seeing that i was actually quite (self)-aware and compassionate towards my pops at this time-huh. perhaps i really needed the distance of time to see that. i wonder what i’m missing right now.