“Guilt is about not being good to someone. Shame is about not being good for her.” (332)
“Guilt is about what you do with your dick. Shame is about being a dick.” (275)
“Guilt is about the way you breathe. Shame is about the fact that you breathe.” (138)
“Trust is a chain that gets longer the less you pull on it.” (267)
“Fear of loss: It has motivated many weak people to make commitments they shouldn’t have.” (294)
“Jealousy is an unforgiving adversary, still controlling the border long after it has won the war.” (397)
“They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.” (394)
“Love, it turns out, is not something to be learned. It’s something we already have, and we must unlearn in order to access it.” (406)
so, this was a big book-here are the collected one liners on emotions. this tale of sex rehab and experiments across the relationship spectrum was the inspiration for me to look more into this sex/love addict business, and i recently did read another book on the topic (and by this calendar, i will blog about it in 2018). i think there is a lot here, and can make the obvious connections between abandonment and detachment and how those cycles perpetuate. as always, it’s the grey areas that fascinate me-the otherside of the game-the ever changing equilibrium between privilege and oppression, victim and perp, push and pull-i feel like strauss is trying to make a hardline separation between love addicts and love avoidants (sex addicts), but ethelie sees them more as two sides of the same delusion/learned behaviour.
i read a stunning love letter recently by a woman to all the men who couldn’t claim her, and obviously much of it resonated. but the point that stays with me is “thank you for leaving me with my loneliness so that i could find my way back to me”. it’s almost haunting, especially for those of us for whom abandonment happened before we were formative, and how the awareness of the effects of that abandonment have grown along with everything else we’ve inherited.
i mean-i guess it’s one thing to know to find your way back to yourself, but it’s another thing to find your way to yourself in the first place, or even just to find your way.
but that brings us to yet another chicken or egg-is life the destination or the journey?
psych. as if we would start getting off the fence now, not after we’ve already learned so well that we never have to, not for anything.
“A life is just one letter away from a lie.” (347)
ooh, snap. that’s the hattrick to close the triangle of “smother is one letter away from mother” and “danger is one letter away from anger”.
or a square with “diet is one letter away from die”.
goodnight, y’all. i am fading after a gloriously full day that started with making 50 (of like, 90) flat ball baskets, running across the street to joke about a lambo and spending more of my money at latre, having a yummy dinner at grasshopper, plotting my life next week on mississauga transit, booking a two-hour float, two cold-water bucket bathes, and discovering a completely fuzzy leaf in the bouquet of sustainable flowers that i spent my pluot money on on monday.