this is how you lose a dinner

-be an overall sketchy and confusing human
-send repeated texts addressing me as “chica”
-be late after not explaining why you didn’t show up after you were really really late
-mention your ex when you order your beer (after you say you’re fine with water)
-mention spending christmas with your ex’s friends and be appalled by their food wastage, don’t finish your food, ask for it to be packed up, and then forget about it completely
-leave the table repeatedly to go to the bathroom
-be genuinely surprised that the patriarchy exists
-figure out that i don’t want you to touch my pyrite because i don’t want you to rub your energy onto it-but then go for it anyway (disrespect-full idiot!)
-smell like sweaty, sweaty dough
-pee on the fence beside your car (after you had just gone to the bathroom 3 minutes before-what, do you have diabetes?!)
-almost run over tuxedo cat with the hitler ‘stache
-blame your parents for giving you an ethnic name and “stacking the deck” against you
-legally changing your name to the most common of names and claim that “i make more money now, so i should’ve done it 15 years ago”
-open my door after all of this and pat yourself on the back for “chivalry”
-lie one final lie of “you’ll hear from me soon”

how i won that same dinner:

-i got to catch up with one of my baby boyfriends outside, and get the skinny on all the best dishes to order
-i did not introduce you a) because i have no idea what name you’re going by and b) you’re fucking late c) you’ve blown your chance of being around past tonight before you even showed your face, but i wanted to return that thing around your neck
-octopus was ordered and thoroughly enjoyed
-i had a delicious cornish game hen and mixed vegetables
-that game hen started my friendship with the women at the next table, who i found infinitely more interesting than you
-the tiramisu was made with amaretto-the right way
-during one of your bathroom breaks, the ladies asked me “is this a date?” and i answered, “no, i think it’s some kind of punishment”
-during another one of your bathroom breaks, the ladies noticed that you went to the bathroom a lot and i mused that you didn’t finish your dinner so you were probably down there making yourself puke
-this was the one that made them want to take pictures and exchange numbers with me
-i got to try another dessert (the sticky toffee bread pudding with banana ice cream-it tasted like a dang fritter! and got that hot and cold mix to perfection) because the ladies invited me to taste the one i chose for them
-you were not and nobody felt a way about that
-one of my new friends shouted to you to pick up your forgotten dinner because “you’ll be hungry later when you don’t get laid”
-i got home full of delicious food and the satisfaction of knowing that i have made the right decision by deciding to be celibate and bidding you good riddance (but thank you) for helping me figure that out

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