we were there for mariah, not fiyah(works)

“who’s got a brick?”

obviously she was going to sing the christmas song that we couldn’t help but sing for days in anticipation-and i just know that pre-chorus, so it was a loop, but it’s mariah-MARIAH.

patrick tagged me on facebook earlier in the week, and obviously, we were going. i mean-who better to complete our diva trifecta (beyonce, janet…) than mimi?

on the streetcar down, we played all the possible scenarios in our heads-that she would do a medley (his), that she would do “someday” with those curls (mine) and let our minds wander to all the ways that she could make our fantasies come true.

as we neared the department store, there wasn’t much of a crowd, but then again, the sun hadn’t gone down yet. there was no info or visible stage set up, because when you set up a stage at eye level, it only takes one layer of people for that setup to become invisible. we were by the hotdog stand where i was sassed by a bossy little girl, and a meaningless sign that read “media blah blah blah” which i suppose was aspirational, because no media seemed to be present. there were a few security guards who shouted the non-helpful direction of “move back” and striped human chains of people in the bay jackets that can’t help but remind me of syphilis and fire water every time that i see them-oh, canada-our truth north roots of genocide strong and cede (all of your land because you can’t read).

as the crowd got more confused, cold and hangry, unsure of whether they were pushing to get closer to nothing or pushing to stay warm, a periodic yell would erupt into a momentary oasis fueled by delirium and the diva spirit. people were pushing and charging other people with being rude (why is this always the case?) and overall, sucks fifth avenue did a poor job of managing this “epic launch”.

for example, having some kind of ongoing show on the projection would’ve accomplished the following: a) kept the attention of the confused public b) allowed them to test the audio/visual/everything technical about their setup, which unfortunately didn’t seem to be on anyone’s radar.

also, updating/answering the social media page would’ve been helpful.

but love, indeed, takes time.

when mariah finally surfaced, she was radiant (as expected) and had a mediocre performance (also as expected). though we couldn’t hear her at all, and at one point, it seemed like the lights went completely down on her (i suppose the sun does set on her as well) and at many points, the cameral didn’t seem to be on her at all, so we were just getting a projection of nothing, and we couldn’t see or hear her at all on the stage set on the sidewalk. the kicker was that the budget for the fireworks seemed to be the same as her fee (imagine wrangling a million dollars for a song and a half that you couldn’t see or hear? hashtag, squad goals)-which seemed a bit superfluous, because if an investment was made into the sound quality, it could’ve been a really nice moment.

a million dollar moment? maybe not.

but as it stands, it was a $25 free gift card to the keg moment when you factor in all the standing outside in the cold with no information-take that “free publicity and goodwill” to the bank, sucks fifth avenue. there’s a reason no one really gave a shit about your window unveil and was just scrambling to get home.

shoutout to those people who stood out there for an hour and a half, just to leave when the first song started. y’all must be the same folks i see getting in and out of your seat for the whole basketball game (inconveniencing everyone in the whole row, btw, in case you somehow don’t know) buying, drinking, and pissing out your $17 coors light in a sippy cup.

but we saw aesthetically perfect mariah and the mayor didn’t bring his boyfriend, drake. but at least he didn’t smoke crack or grab anybody’s pussy either (despite how much he has to eat at home).

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