april poem of the day (12/30)

today’s poem is a remix of Tina Do‘s i tell my mother everything

thanks, poet.

only gummy boundaries like fishnets

family name warfare in surprise bursts

rewind post-metronome intervals

bladed tapestries of tongues run

to hide affordable panties

april 30 for 30 (won)

it’s poetry month! i got the challenge at the dog park yesterday morning and decided to take it (thanks, charlie!). i have some catching up to do, but here’s the first one:

we have no heirlooms

only trauma here to keep

passing on and down

and just like that, we’re back to haikus. i guess everything comes full circle eventually.

dear alyse feldman,

(sigh). i didn’t know that you were gone, but i shouldn’t have been as surprised as i was. i knew you weren’t doing too well, and perhaps i should’ve made more of an effort to come see you, but it’s been a weird couple of years of sickness, and yours was even more serious than covid.

i’m clearing out some emails, and i’m finding our first correspondence. they were all about being canadians working in hip hop, and when i was coming to new york, you were already making quite a name for yourself there. the artist you were representing had released a controversial video that i was hipped to by someone who i was dating at the time, and in retrospect i’m seeing that our argument over “credit” could’ve gone both ways, but it just goes to show-writers dating writers is kind of a headache, and opportunity is what we make of it.

i’m so very glad that we met, you were instrumental in my taking up space in the city as an independent woman not tied to anyone else’s experience, and i thank you for paving the way. you introduced me to some good people, and i’m glad that we got to hang out a bit in toronto too when we both moved (back) here, while you were healthy and vibrant.

no matter what, i know that our bond has been unspoken and stronger than the doods that were in both of our orbits. they’re fine, but you, my virgo sister, were golden. i found out because IG recommended me the profile of a dood that i went on one date with who macy gray‘d me (why didn’t you call), and while i blocked him after he solicited money for his standup show over whatsapp after ghosting me, i guess he was one of our mutuals, because i saw that he posted a memorial for you. what a way to find out.

but regardless, angel, i’m here to thank you for really going it for it in your abbreviated life-you really made the most of it, and you made an impact. as i move into making my own imprint, i’ll keep you and onthefly in my heart and count you among my blessings in inspiration. you left us last year, which means by next year, we will have “caught up” in age. wild.

i’m listening to the life-changing, therapy substituting renaissance album as i write this, at halftime (i’m listening to the raptors on the radio like an old-timey person) and i’m pretty sure you share a bday with the queen. every september 4th from here on out, i’ll be toasting you both.

forever your cheeseball,

Angelica.

dear Letters to Amelia,

of course you are a love letter. it’s the layers of meta love letters that unfold at a steady pace that make you an extra treasure.

first off-the central questions of “what makes a woman?” and “what makes a legacy?” and how they intertwine is the real story of healing and choices and the way that writing and strangers and one-sided correspondence can get us through this life and all of its pivots.

i love the meditations on work and accomplishment and the fact that despite what they say about you, you can still make an impact on someone long after you are gone, but it doesn’t matter in the end if you are not doing what moves you.

i really felt the impact of being blind-sighted in a relationship. i can only imagine being with someone for 7 years and having them just up and leave. i can respect that things can be complicated, but i would’ve appreciated some insight on that situation, because i see the sense of obligation when there is a child coming, but i still believe that accountability is a building block of every relationship. in the end, i guess we didn’t get that fleshed out because it was an easy answer-there’s no need to hear his story, because the fact that he couldn’t share it is the proof that they didn’t need him to go forward with their lives.

i like the certainty that comes with the vision of how to incorporate a baby into one’s life-the urge to go back to be closer to family and to reimagine an ancestral home that has room for the baby’s father and family-to visit. i love the boundaries and the women setting them, real or imagined.

the portrayal of the parents is very human, and could be foreshadowing of how despite our best interests, we do project our disappointments and expectations onto our kids.

i knew something was going on with Jenna, and i was glad that we got closure on that situation. it’s always hard to negotiate competing feelings and wants when it comes to motherhood between women friends, and i’m happy for this light on a difficult and present issue.

it’s also a reminder that we can get so wrapped up in our own things, real or imagined, that we can not notice that others are also wrapped up in their own things, so it’s always a loving act to check in.

i’m feeling ok overall with the forced pivots that have come in the first 10 days of this year, and i’ve decided that my guiding mantras for this year are “follow through” and “show up for those who show up for you”, which is just an extension of keeping focus on those who are here, and not giving over too much power for those who are not. i guess we are making room for those people to not be who i think they should be, but also to the ones who are-no matter what.

thank you, dear book, for being a reminder and a proof of purpose.

more to come,

Angelica.

dear michelle buteau,

first off-thank you for being #goals. i remember seeing you do standup in new york, in 2014(?) and baby, look at you now!

i mean, not only is survival of the thickest the best show i’ve seen in a long time, i’m proud that it’s the reason i finally got kicked off netflix-going out on a high note! my baby just got the notice about password sharing from disney+, and kyle kicked me off his crave months ago (thanks for the 2 years, boo!) so i guess it’s just alternative streamings/no tv for me, and that’s not a terrible thing. also-the library still has series on dvd.

and of course, you’ve really won the netflix-hosting the circle (the reality show that pandemic hooked me into the genre), and co-starring in always be my maybe. i’m sure that i’m missing lots of your resume and catalogue, but you know what hasn’t slipped past me? your column in real simple. what a masterclass in diversifying your profile you are, michelle buteau. i bow to you.

but it was really full circle to see you headline JFL last week. i got to see you with one of my faves, as a birthday present from another, and i fulfilled my destiny of not paying for the festival this year, due to their shitty app and shittier customer service. also, today, on day one of my period, it makes so much sense now that i was so tired last weekend that i decided to skip out on the free outdoor programming to stay in bed to eat chicken mcnuggets ( paired impeccably with artisanal sour cherry cider from the farmer’s market) while my love watched his world cup rugballs. once i took my earrings off, i knew i was in for the night. but i stand proud in my JFL choice of you and you alone.

i love that you came out in that blazer that makes me further covet tali’s. it’s my next big clothing get-i’ve pretty much succumbed to the 2023 overall drought. i think overalls make me look too dumpy anyway-but an oversized, wool, houndstooth-adjacent patterned blazer? that’s my present fashion holy grail. i love that you referenced “listen, linda, honey“, my very favourite kid to quote. i love that you engaged us in a reading rainbow singalong (i still can’t believe chaka khan sang the original!), and that janet jackson sequence?!

it was everything. you are everything. thank youuuuuuuu.

Angelica.

gratitudes (viet kieu)

“i’m hungry, i’m chasing, ‘dream big’ is an understatement”

wow. what a magical week it’s been.

first of all, who knew that little women: atlanta would be the reality show that i’m absolutely fascinated by, and that the library is the one that put me on. i’m great-full to kanopy for counting the whole season as one selection (hoopla could take notes). it pairs well with my “but is it feminist?!” puzzle of justice league superwomen-i mean, representations matters (in both cases) but it seems like they’re always fighting?! (“why you mad, sis, why you mad, sis?”)

but hoopla gets a shoutout for having *all* of the contemporary vietnamese music that i can want to borrow.

overall, i feel about the library’s digital offerings like the casual man eating a nectarine outside of our delayed lane swim on wednesday-“it’s a free service, and they’re teenagers being paid minimum wage to supervise us”.

i’m so great-full for the new perspectives that came from that day-not only did we get focused, concentrated swim (because it was shorter), we got to regulate ourselves because they didn’t bother to put the lanes out just to take them back out again, and it was delicious-no being stuck behind ancient snapping turtles that day. and the chance meeting afterwards that sparked all kinds of other inspirations was extra special.

fresh off my second open house (and almost full first session), i’m floored that someone came from italy to be waitlisted (the posters WORK!), and that it was a convergence of accidental and intentional energies, and i’m great-full for the chance to make quick changes and improvements between open houses.

and now it’s a countdown to my first session-i’m feeling really good about life right now, and everything that’s coming.

i’m great-full for the vietnamese eating festival that happened last weekend, though i have mixed feelings about some of the speakers/sponsors, and i regret that i don’t have the vocabulary to properly discuss the southern vietnamese flag with my baby nephew.

one day…

gratitudes (survival of the thickest)

what a show to finally be kicked out of netflix on (no, i’m not counting perfect match, which is really the one i got blocked on, but i’m great-full to trixie and katya for wrapping that one up for me). i’m sooooo amped to see michelle buteau at JFL (thank you, erica and zhaleh!) and am so inspired by how much she’s done since i saw her do standup a decade ago in new york. she’s won netflix!

it’s been a big week, and being alone to have my period, drink sacred witch tea, and watch that show last weekend brought big epiphanies and i got to see just how held i am by the universe and my communities.

i continue to be great-full for the new eating experiences that never cease in this city, including the taste of viet nam festival that is going until 10pm today at nathan phillips square. it was the perfect afterparty for my very first writers bootcamp open house as a facilitator. i’m great-full for all of the quick thinking and coordinating that brought me, and overall, it felt good and right, and i’m great-full for the turnaround to change things for thursday, when a whole other set of wild cards will be dealt to me, because it will be a new group of people, and i can’t wait.

i’m great-full to my former co-workers, and the sheer number of them, over the course of my career at sml, that i’ve seen (and the frequency!) over the past couple of weeks is quite something, and it’s clear that we’ve moved into friends friends and not just friends that come to the same place to fetch a cheque, and i love that they are so supportive, despite the fact that i essentially “left” them. true friends are happy for you, period, despite their own (regular income-earning) circumstances. i have to thank cathy who come through on the ultimate crossover, not only to support me, but to bring great participation and our practiced eye telepathy to really contribute great presence and also not ask questions when i got misty hearing “sai gon dep lam” and eating preserved egg and pork floss cake, durian che, bo ba lot and banh khot, probably too late at night.

i am great-full to kai cheng thom, not only for being (obviously) a beauty-full and triumphant writer, but for asking a room full of queers and other misfits for a show of hands of who is writing in toronto, then thanking us for doing it. the fact that a) my hand shot up with the confidence that i have always wanted, and b) that it was in a mirrored room inspired me to want to continue the reflection, and i closed my workshop with that. i also am proud of myself for not losing my shit when i ran into her in the streets, just thanking her nicely (again). i’m honoured to also be working on a collection of letters, and am glad that they are swirling around. cj put ivan e coyote‘s letter collection on my doorknob, and it was nice to read through kai cheng‘s delicious one immediately and offer it back into our mailbox.

i’m great-full to people who read (and follow through) on posters, to my sistars and all the spirits that our ancestors keep bringing my way. i’m really great-full and excited for everything that’s coming my way, and i’m ready to do the work.

i’m great-full my tiny bathroom shelf is finished, and that i held that space for @plantparty’s perfect mini plant sculptures. it was like looking at future me, and i hope to be as peace-full and whimsical as she is when i grow up.

i’m SOOOO great-full for the age of pleasure. i didn’t get to listening to it before i left, and now i see that that was not an accident. the whole album has been my soundtrack lately and i am dialed in. i even went to the cards for the first time in a l o o n g time to decide whether i should go to renaissance in vancouver next month or stay here and experience janelle. i’ve decided to stay and see the revamped massey hall, and lucas reminded me last night to make my own gloves, and i’ve been sitting on that purple lace…if i can make a sheep hand, why not a human one?

ok, back to the personalized thank you letters that i’m so great-full to get to write!

gratitudes (life is plastic)

because i am listening to the read rave about the barbie movie right now, i will start my gratitudes with the fact that i have seen it twice, and paid for it zero times, in the last two weeks. we went to the drive-in last weekend, and it was overly packed so we had to park very far away, and kids and snacks and lost radios et.al and last night, we got tickets very close (too close) in the second row of the sold out theatre. it was cute, though it would’ve been better if it picked a lane.

i am great-full for the vietnamese horror film that i just watched, the housemaid (dir. derek nguyen) because i am employing a multi-platform discourse in language immersion in preparation to return to the country sooner rather than later. it was a great take on revenge and war scars that i will let the glaring oversight of casting british actors to play french people.

i’m great-full for one sold-out open house, and a potential second one on the horizon, for the three strangers so far that have decided to sign up for my workshop, and the fact that the posters that i’ve been hanging (shoutout to all my friends who have folded postering into all our hangouts) have been working, because they are being quoted as the reason folx are signing up. (extra special appreciation for the first one i put up, near dundas west, which was still there as of last night)

i’m great-full to my old coworkers and the fact that we did two pretty big hangs in four days, one of them being in at the delicious maha’s-the only thing better than the honey cardomam latte is the iced honey cardomam latte. yummmm.

i’m great-full to the ultrasound administrator who was not kind, because i was able to get myself through the trauma that the procedure called up. i’m also great-full to the sweet potato for having the cheese ends that i ate while catching up with the kardashians for the remainder of that day, until i met my boo for another stress-releasing public swim when he got off work.

i’m also great-full to samantha irby, whose writing has always encouraged me (shoutout to nehal once again for hipping me to ‘bitches gotta eat’ so long ago). also, i am great-full for kate beaton and ducks and her this is uncomfortable episode (via death sex & money).

i’m great-full to lise and her guy for meeting me at huh ga ne in north york-our meal was delicious and i’ve been trying to get there for some time now. also, i’m great-full to sahar for spreading the news of the workshop to the facilitator of her embroidery workshop at the library, and also to chatime x bake code for having coffee buns on special when we passed by.

i’m great-full to erin and another new to me eatery, thai nyyom, for the great catchup, donations to my earring collection, and to the nextdoor kibo market for having my favourite matcha ice cream waffle sandwiches that are my current fave.

i’m great-full to fay and fluffy, for being and persisting. what a pleasure it was to hug you in person this week, and get your book for my favourite queer fam.

i’m great-full to my first round jigsaw of a kind of gross pizza, for currently being finished on my puzzle table. now to finish that paint by number and the cross-stitch that i set before i left for vacation.

finally, i’m great-full to janice for forcing me to streetwalk down memory lane, spending too much time between us arguing the colour of the last couch at the air b&b we stayed at last year during OOAK-it’s all because she is booking our next one, and we can build on our tradition. here’s to independent businesses, sistars, mutual support, and choosing where we align our work and value(s).

gratitudes (free swim)

i really cannot express how amazing it was to return to the pool today, post period, and it was extra special because i swam from 11-12, and got home before it started pouring rain. the feeling of stress release between one’s toes and fingers is really second to none, and the fact that this free service is available all summer is amazing (woo-taxes!)

i also want to send a shoutout to the red-winged blackbird that i saw yesterday at the evergreen brickworks. i saw a very similar bird in malaysia, and when i looked up the meaning, the search came back “they are a sign that you are protected, and it’s time to let go of something that is no longer serving you”. well, thank you, nature. we also ran into a teeny bunny and a hawk today in nature’s sightings.

i’m great-full to be reunited with my faves, matt and bismark, and to run into the local legends bunz and marty (now with puppy!). i’m also great-full that i got to pet chewie for the first time, and i’m ever great-full that i got all the samples that i selected in my sephora package. i am now rich in supergoop! for the rest of the summer. yea, skincare.

i’m great-full that we didn’t miss games night, and that we met a new player and played sorry! for the first time in our lives. i am looking forward to exploring the pape/danforth games night, and i hope the facilitator is the shady queen who put up that “rupaul” cutout.

and finally, i’m great-full for the just as sudden as it came 15lbs weight loss that has happened since i’ve been back. i think i’m just levelling out, shifting water and stress weight, but i’m feeling much more like myself and i think the adjustment of better sleep hygiene and eating within the first hour of rising has made the difference.

gratitudes (start writing)

well, in anticipation of all the eyes that may come flooding to this page (and in appreciation for the ones that just reminded me to update some pages), i didn’t want to lead with “i hate oatmeal”. (but i do, it’s not good at all).

what a whirlwind of a 10 days being back home in toronto, after a week in the lower mainland, and four on more airplanes than i have been on in my life, traipsing across asia. i am sure that i will be processing the trip for many, many moments to come, but for now-i am great-full for free public pools (because it’s been a hot mother nature summer), that i am caught up in all-stars (thank you, lucas!), that i’ve had a delicious pork chop (sorry, malaysia), and that i’ve been able to sleep in my own bed again.

i’m great-full for my period aligning with my bestie’s, being urged on by the talks that i’ve had with my amazing ex-boxer of a neighbour about menopause, and that we’ve been able to witness the tita collective and their sold-out fringe show ms. titaverse on a thursday in the middle of the day because we are a PHD student and a soon-to-be writing workshop facilitator. i’m great-full that i ran into my angel sean there, because he’s a reminder that we were once in a musical together, and i always seem to cross paths with him at creative and joyous impasses of life.

speaking of, i’m sooo great-full for david and start writing for folding me into the mix, and that i got to witness the mug circulation service at hale coffee (et al) and pick up our gorgeous posters. i’m so great-full that the first one i stapled was near dundas west station, because that was my very first neighbourhood in the city, and not far from where i spied my first writers bootcamp poster, on a post near keele station.

i’m great-full to priscilla for bamboozling me into getting the $26 clear PH balm with a teeny flower in it, and have already passed that along to two other people. i’m great-full to have had the beyonce-adjacent experience, and a day of kismet trying to get in. i decided not to go that night, but now that i’m not going to mexico next month, i will allow myself a virgo bday trip to my hometown, IF i submit the piece of writing that’s been in my inbox for months. i’m feeling pretty good on my personal turnaround rate lately, so i’m excited about that.

i’m great-full that my love has cleaned my oven (though i just bought a new toaster oven and it’s very hot, so we’ll see when i use it next) while i was gone, and i’m glad we’ve gotten to snuggle-and stuff. we still have a lot to get caught up on, but it’s nice to be able to be close again. additionally, i’m great-full that we’ve gotten to eat lamb baklava and turkish street food with his lovely sister, before she goes off on her next adventure. it’s also a coup to see our charcutier in the wild.

i’m great-full for tayberries (hybrid of raspberries and blackberries) at the farmer’s market (where i also saw apa again!) and eating mulberries in the backyard with my favourite baby (who now has a private swing) and her parents (and giant cat)-it’s good to be home. they’re away for a week, so dance party rules will apply.

i’m great-full for trinh dinh le minh‘s thua me con di (goodbye mother), a gorgeous film that cuts a bit too close (but in a mostly good way). i’m great-full that i can watch it on hoopla, and that i didn’t need most of the subtitles. i’m excited to immerse myself in film to improve my vietnamese, as it’s a more natural way than the duolingo skill tree, but we are maintaining there as well. just passed 1750 days, and was able to maintain my streak while i was away.

we’re still carving away at our various fiton challenges as well, and i’m great-full for the opportunity to keep moving my body and challenging my mind.

i’m great-full to edwidge danticat for her short story collection everything inside. i don’t know why it’s taken me this long to get to her, but i’m glad i’m here now. it’s a lovely companion to the chris kattan autobiography that i am also keke-ing my way through, and it’s interesting that it’s the second time in a week (the first was in the we regret to inform you podcast) that i read about jim carrey writing himself a 10 million dollar cheque five years in the future that he more than was able to cash, so maybe i should start writing-cheques?

i’m also great-full for bel-air, and the nuances of a darker approach (like riverdale) i love that there is something that ties each character to the original, but a lot more that went into the reimagining. i’m usually not about reboots, but this isn’t so much a reboot, but a redux.

on that note, may we all not be so much as a reboot, but a redux.

if you’d like to write with me, come thru.