april is poetry month (18/30)

i guess it would’ve just been easier to believe you

when you said “no one else will ever take care of you”

but i knew that was wrong

because i’ve been here all along

how deep into the ruse did you get

before stubborn wouldn’t let you lose

ten-toes down and chest out

100% right with no room

to consider any other truths

who was it that taught you

that love means control

miserable is better than alone

everyone else must submit, obey, accept

no fault of your own

i guess it’s just been easier to stay upset that i left

rather than apologize for making it so unbearable to stay

you taught me that love plays second fiddle to freedom

and to always pay my own way

april is poetry month (15/30)

persimmons/permissions

may our daughters take after persimmons

who will not be rushed into ripeness

dare to taste them before they are ready

and your tongue will be frozen numb

have you pondering poison

and your life decisions to trespass past boundaries

that were never yours to cross

may our daughters take after persimmons

blossom into their power-hard and soft

decide for themselves when and if

they will be taken

april is poetry month (13/30)

today’s poem is a throwback to one of my own (with edits)

elizabeth

you were the wife that law made common, i was little miss stress

you had him all the time, i got “the best”

when he got sick i almost showed up on your doorstep,

but i still don’t know where you live-and you still don’t know that i exist.

a psychic read your face to me before i saw you attached to the boy

that she also predicted they would mistake as mine

between you and i-who needs to give what up?

i almost stopped you that one time but what would i say?

that your man is a dog, and his proof was in my pudding?

it seems a moot point because i have since given up on the injustice of our love

i just need you to know that i never meant to contest your colony but i guess

everything is fine because you never publicly lost your reign as much when awry in the outlying territories

that hot, sticky july on the main that we spent kissing and fucking in stairwells and doorways

looking back, it’s impossible that you managed to avoid my residuals-my taste, my smell, your intuition must have felt his face beaming towards our standing afternoon date

but in the grand scheme-it was all a dream

fodder for writing sex in a tritelife magazine

i was only a concubine, but you remain-

his queen

this was a long time ago, and although they are still together and have a second child now, i’m still not sure who “won”. montreal in my mid-20s was a moment, y’all. file this under “lessons that i could’ve learned another way”. but the poetry is, was, and will forever remain-mine.

dear vytas baskauskas,

i woke up feeling funny today. last night was the last night of my first writing workshop. we had giant schnitzels and bread pudding served in sizzling skillets for our “after party”-it was perfect. nobody cried then, and though i have yet to cry today, i do feel a bit sad that we’ll never gather in exactly the same way again. but i’m so great-full and changed, and to be honest, we never gathered in exactly the same way during the workshop, either.

so i took it easy. i went back to bed, day masturbated, and composed my last group email. i felt like i was cheating on them because i was excited for the new people who keep signing up for the next group. i was hungry and dragging my feet on my morning “routine”. i had some yogurt that i forgot about, with fresh raspberries and expired bran buds. i googled what to do with expired bran buds. muffins. but i need to go get eggs, and that feels like too much. everything seems like filler to get something done before i fall back into little women atlanta season 3.

your dynamic yoga workout has been on my fiton “favourites” list for at least a few months. i put it on my weekly list because it’s also part of my 365 workout challenge that i’ve gotten weirdly competitive about. i’ll say this much-the app has really got me through gamification, but it also means that i’ve done more than 4000 workouts in the last two years, so that’s something.

maybe i was intimidated by the fact that it’s a 27-minute workout, but i shouldn’t be. i regularly went to iyengar classes, and they’re a baseline hour and a half. i feel like you’re the closest in alignment (ha!) to iyengar, and maybe that’s why you’re my favourite yoga teacher on the app. from the first bird dog (and you do love a bird dog!), i knew that it was the right decision to click on it today. your guidance through movement is the medicine that i need today.

i googled you, to find out your last name, and found out that we’re both 1979 babies, so maybe that’s why your classes resonate with me the most. maybe it’s because you were on reality TV and that’s the genre that i’m currently hooked on (i’m as surprised as anyone, but those little women are so very compelling). perhaps it was because you were on reality TV to mend a relationship with your brother, and i’ve heard you mention being at his house (to do the legs over the chair stretch) so maybe it worked? i also went on a survivor-esque trip with my dad this summer, and while i’m not sure if it “worked”, i’m glad that it happened, and that we were both optimistic enough to think that it might. it did something, and i’m sure that i’ll be figuring out what for years to come.

as a teacher, have you ever missed any of your classes after they have ended? you’ve probably mastered a way to stay all focused on the present and all that. have you had that experience of learning as you are teaching and vice versa? what a great job and proof of purpose teaching (or leading/facilitating) is, isn’t it? maybe that’s it-i feel like i am learning to be a better teacher by taking peoples’ classes, and earning the muscle memory (and stress release that comes from doing energy work) along the way.

i don’t know when it happened, but i can definitely feel a confidence in warrior and crescent and many other poses that i once did not. it’s been 20 years now that i’ve worked some kind of yoga practice into my life, and i’m so happy that you are how it’s happening currently. i just wanted to let you know.

i told a writer in this session (the one that quit) that our prompt-based writing exercises are like stretching or scales-neither of these things (alone) will make you an olympic athlete or concert pianist, but they will ensure that you will not break your hip and that you always have a fun party trick. so thank you for contributing to the reason that i know this to be true, whatever the reason may be.

with gratitude,

Angelica.

writer’s bootcamp-day 4, prompt won

“you make a cup of tea. as it brews, a memory comes to the surface. when the tea’s done, so is the memory.”

It’s always more romantic to imagine the ones who left, because they can be whatever you want. Your memory is always more whimsical and prone to the loss of the hypothetical good, not the reality of the annoying human gains. The ones who stick around are beholden to their blunders, their stumbles into potentially never-correct steps. The ones who leave can be immortalized in their roles as feminist-daughter, sister, wife, and mother, even if they choose not to be any of those things long-term-they get the “maybe she just had something to do” pass. The one who stayed may have been lauded for his commitment outwardly, but the imposter syndrome coming from within the compound was real.

Take, for example, the time he got a dog. The kid had begged and begged, and finally, a coworker’s dog had pups, so why not? The kind instinctively knew, you don’t choose a puppy, a puppy chooses you. So the kid sat in the middle of the room and waited-and a puppy dared lumber over to climb into the kid’s lap. Three times over three weeks-the kid was elated because she was getting a dog, and she was chosen by this dog. When the puppy maturation time had elapsed, they came for one last pickup, and they were off.

The first time the kid held the puppy in the car was the last. The kid was young, but old enough to know the way home. Wait-why were they turning here? The kid’s parent, the one that stuck around, said that he’d decided that they couldn’t have a puppy-it was too much work for just the two of them. They were going to give the puppy to her aunt who had just arrived in the country-that way, she’ll have company and he’ll be cared for around the clock. Perfect solution.

Not perfect solution. But the one that sticks around always gets reminded of their mistakes. The other one just gets to fade into the forgiving explanation of having something else to do.

gratitudes (tell me pleasant things about immortality)

well, let’s start this with gratitude for my 14th year anniversary with this blog. (what the actual fuck is time?!)

-i’m great-full for how clean my house can be, and/or how dedicated i can be to jigsaw puzzles and paint by numbers when i just need to write-any other writers out there with insight into this? what’s your procrastination?

-i’m great-full for class last night, and for the space they all held for me in pre-mourning the baby going to daycare next week

-i’m also great-full for D being open to talk to me about stuff regarding the future of my participation in the workshop

-i’m great-full for the multi-level prompts that we’ve been getting into the last couple of weeks. here is my sharer from last night (spoiler alert, it’s an elevator pitch):

-prompt: “i’ve seen the future, and it looks a lot like the present, only longer” (15 minutues)

-response: The present is a gift best received yesterday, and it may only truly be appreciated tomorrow.

-i’m great-full for CBC gem programming, namely run the burbs, workin’ moms, pretty hard cases, and the teaser of the next one i’m sure i will be super into-best in miniature-shoutout to everyone i also recognize from the credits, it’s nice to see people working on all sides of the mothership

-i’m great-full to the fat bastard burrito company for offering complimentary guacamole, and for the fact that i ate a burrito on a semi-lit subway car during a power outage in a snowstorm last night

-i’m great-full for the snow being powdery and easy to shovel despite its volume. i’m mostly great-full to marco and cj for doing the bulk of the shovelling, but also that i got to claim 30 minutes of it towards my fiton

-i’m great-full to my offline downloads due to pro, and i’m glad that i got the reminder that workouts done without credit are still done

-i’m great-full to the atlantic for being so compelling and informative that i couldn’t resist checking out all the remaining issues that i haven’t read, despite my personal limit of one at a time

-i’m great-full to another story bookshop, carrianne leung, and lindsay wong for putting on a succinct book launch for tell me pleasant things about immortality the other night. i’m also great-full that i started reading a home book right away, instead of letting it languish on my shelf with a false sense of security, and i’m also great-full for the support and acknowledgement of the universe for my own forthcoming project

-i’m great-full that i made it home on a 2-hour transfer that night, even after* popping by midori’s house of whimsy where her youngest loinfruit correctly assumed that i would need to experience the bouncy castle that they have installed in their front room. i also filled up on dog snuggles with my favourite, marvel

-i’m great-full to my love, who folded me into his shrove tuesday tradition of breakfast for dinner, providing his favourite breakfast sausages (spoiler alert-not the ones we make at the store) and making the fluffiest, most delicious pancakes and sharing his limited edition maple syrup as well. i truly am the luckiest to have found my significant otter.

-i’m great-full to morag hood for aalfred and aalbert, the sweetest gay love story about aardvarks ever written. i’m also great-full that i’ve enjoyed another of her collection, when grandad was a penguin at the red rocket cafe whilst also with my charge. yay for coffee and babies and smart children’s books.

-i’m great-full for the fairtrade organic coffee for a dollar at the a&w in my neighbourhood. i’m also great-full that i learned about it as one of two pilot project a&ws in the city that are trying to offer organic foods, and that i found out about it from a business magazine that i found in a little library in my neighbourhood where i also found the issue of the atlantic that started that obsession

ok, time to set a timer and get started on my competition submission already. let’s go.

gratitudes (this unlikely soil)

-i’m great-full for secrets, kept and spilled, and the opportunities they bring for learning and loving

-i’m great-full for the awareness that i’ve reached a point where i actually do understand and recall the mandarin that i’m learning on duolingo. i am also great-full for the possibility that haka and cantonese (as well as tagalog and farsi) will one day be options on the ever-adapting platform that has been a steady part of my daily experience for almost a decade now

-i’m great-full for the new workouts on fiton as well as the challenges and programs and all the ways that having a stack of workouts is like having a stack of podcasts or books-even if i don’t do them all, i will do a lot of them, and learn a lot. i’m great-full for the mind body connection and for how strength training helps me focus on the present moment. i’m also great-full today for vytas‘ forgiveness meditation-i’ve done it before, but it hit a bit different this time, and i was able to get to an emotional release, as well as a physical detox.

-i’m great-full for a lipsynch extravaganza that actually went fairly (in my opinion) and that anetra is a bad bitch that i have pegged from the beginning to win. i’m great-full for the way that mistress‘ little smiles (and the fact that she can paint the house down boots) remind me of mizthang and i’m great-full that i’ve had so many friends who have inspired me to try things and be good at things-shoutout to you, gurl, i hope you’re doing well and that your sister did pass along my greetings last summer

-i’m great-full for my little paint by number that is coming along. it’s more intricate, and all the same colour story, so it’s not as immediately stunning as the last one, but it’s a bit of a slow burn, and a reminder that there’s room to love all of our creations (or fill-ins)

-i’m great-full that my baby got me a subscription to the literary review of canada for my birthday, and for the recommendation of andrea routley‘s this unlikely soil, which i cam currently co-reading along with pyae pyae‘s memoir, and specifically, i’m great-full for the following charming lines:

“How to grieve the loss of unarticulated attachments?” (Guided Walk, 92)

“Miriam and Carol were not so much friends in high school as colleagues in puberty.” (ibid, 104)

-i’m great-full for fidget pies (which seem to be better this year because they are made with regular pork-perhaps confit’d as well? instead of gammon) and their full-bodied mouthfeel that i topped with complimentary complementary guacamole from the ol’ dayjob. i’m great-full for free food, and for all the free food that i’ve ever gotten as i work in food and service, and food service over the years. there’s a reason that creatives are attracted to these professions, and not short number of them are food.

gratitudes (what’s on tonight)

-first of all, this “best of montell jordan” that i’ve borrowed courtesy of hoopla, i now forget what i was searching for and didn’t find that led me here, but it was related to something that i heard on the year end episode of hanif abdurraquib‘s amazing music podcast, the object of sound

-second, that i have the house to myself and can blast all these bangers that i forgot about-i mostly got it because my ultimate favourite, “let’s ride” is (obviously) in the collection

-i’m great-full that my guy is going into tomorrow optimistic and that the soup that i’m making him is simmering on the stove right now- late, but not too late

-i am coming around on the new paint by number-it’s not an immediate love like the fruits, but its charms are revealing themselves. i’m great-full i got to do it whilst on the phone with a coworker in a jam, and i’m great-full for all the reminders this week that the dayjob is good for a dayjob but it’s still a dayjob

-HOLD THE PHONE I FORGOT ABOUT “I Can Do That” which may be a close tie for my favourite montell song-those unnecessary but perfect modulations and all that whispering! ugh. 90s r&b will forever be my jams. wow, music really is 300% nostalgia

-i’m great-full that i got to try a resto that i’ve been hearing lots of good things about (anh dao) and that the banh xeo was worth the hype, and i got to catch up with my brave young friend haddie and be inspired all over again by her lovely spirit

-i’m great-full that i was off today and got to spend a good three hours leisurely moving through my workouts and duolingo. i’m great-full that i’ve made exercise a priority in my self-care, and that i’ve had fiton as the conduit for that. i’m great-full that i’ve recently passed the 3000 workout mark and that the wellness reset (yes, i bought pro) has kick-started a whole host of other resets. i’m great-full for deandre’s wisdom in the bedtime yoga class that joined last night, “you deserve rest, and nobody else can rest for you.” dang. there are so many gems from the trainers, and i’m great-full for the stress release and the perspectives and prospectives that i’ve gained in the last year and a half and i can actually say that i can get to the end of a 30-40 minute workout without even checking the time once, and that’s something.

-i’m great-full that i made it back to class last night, and that i got to write with my writers, and that i was inspired to come home and figure out a new direction for this blog that i’m great-full to have had for so many years now. i’m great-full that i edited my piece in transcription and that i learned how to make the ™ sign with my keyboard

-i’m great-full for pyae moe thet war‘s memoir you’ve changed: fake accents, feminism, and other comedies from myanmar it’s hilarious and cheeky and poignant, and inspiring for my current project, and i’m great-full for the reminder that if i’m to enter the cbc non-fiction contest, i better get some words together because i only have 12 days to do it.

-i’m great-full that s is coming to look at this, and despite the unfortunate circumstances that have brought us back together, i’m great-full that she reached out, and hope that we get an in-person reunion this year.

i wrote an obituary for compassion tonight, like to hear it? here it go:

Compassion™, natural enemy of capitalism passed away semi-peacefully yesterday in its now eternal home, tofu, and thus lost its battle to Jeff Besos, who now owns its marketing rights in perpetuity. It is survived by puppies, freshly baked bread, and the crisp air of autumn. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation into your own capacity to keep doing your best, even if you don’t get any credit for it. Real Gs move in silence like lasagna.* You can be better if you listen to the reminders that you are given. Even though connection makes us stronger, it’s OK not to join the cult of air fryers, and to think that they are *just* OK, like Cupid, which isn’t even aspirational in name. And it’s exactly what you get. So trust when folx tell you who they are. And besides, let’s not forget that the followers are operating from the subject position of counter privilege.

*don’t come for me Big Lil’ Wayne

a note on not knowing where to go with one’s own blog

so, i fired up this thing a couple years back, made it a haiku review place, to make sure i was writing daily, but the truth is, i do write daily-i just don’t do it publicly. and i always have. and probably will. because i notice the difference when i don’t write. because i can’t (yet) afford therapy. because it’s just the right thing to do. (see what i did there?). anyways. i think i made it a few years with daily posts (that i batch scheduled for the most part), but it’s not duolingo or fiton-two apps that i adore, btw, i actually accomplish very little from keeping a streak going for the sake of keeping it going. perhaps i shouldn’t have bowed out of that publishing conference workshop about data and statistics, blah blah blah, but all the good stuff was scheduled on dates that i had previous engagements-like my writing workshop, which is life-changing, and writing-activating. so i’ll be sharing stuff from that, and also my haiku reviews, just not on such a stringent schedule. thanks for reading, even if you are a bot.